I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
