Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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