The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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