Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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