I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
