I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
