Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
