Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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