I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
