My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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