Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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