hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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