I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He did a backflip because drugs
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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