I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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