The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
