I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
