He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
