If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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