My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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