I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
