Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
