Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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