Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
