I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
