She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
