Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
