how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
