I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
