look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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