This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
