my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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