How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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