Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Randomize
