nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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