when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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