You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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