All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
