If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
