I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
why do cheetos always look like penises
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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