Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
