In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Your shirt... Was in my pants
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
