Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
