Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
