a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
