ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
