so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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