Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
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The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
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Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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