Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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