My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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