I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Randomize
