final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
