quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
