mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
