Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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