Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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