Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
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The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
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His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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