my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
