My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
