$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
